Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room. She is at her
writing-table as before. The parlor-maid comes in.
THE PARLOR-MAID [at the door] Mr. Henry, mam, is
downstairs with Colonel Pickering.
MRS. HIGGINS
Well, shew them up.
THE PARLOR-MAID
Theyre using the telephone, mam.
Telephoning to the police, I think.
MRS. HIGGINS
What!
THE PARLOR-MAID [coming further in and lowering her
voice] Mr. Henry's in a state, mam. I thought I'd
better tell you.
MRS. HIGGINS
If you had told me that Mr. Henry was not
in a state it would have been more surprising. Tell
them to come up when theyve finished with the police. I
suppose hes lost something.
THE PARLOR-MAID
Yes, mam [going].
MRS. HIGGINS
Go upstairs and tell Miss Doolittle that
Mr. Henry and the Colonel are here. Ask her not to come
down till I send for her.
THE PARLOR-MAID
Yes, mam.
Higgins bursts in. He is, as the parlor-maid has said,
in a state.
HIGGINS
Look here, mother: heres a confounded thing!
MRS. HIGGINS
Yes, dear. Good-morning. [He checks his
impatience and kisses her, whilst the parlor-maid goes
out]. What is it?
HIGGINS
Eliza's bolted.
MRS. HIGGINS [calmly continuing her writing] You must
have frightened her.
HIGGINS
Frightened her! nonsense! She was left last
night, as usual, to turn out the lights and all that;
and instead of going to bed she changed her clothes and
went right off: her bed wasnt slept in. She came in a
cab for her things before seven this morning; and that
fool Mrs. Pearce let her have them without telling me a
word about it. What am I to do?
MRS. HIGGINS
Do without, I'm afraid, Henry. The girl
has a perfect right to leave if she chooses.
HIGGINS [wandering distractedly across the room] But I
cant find anything. I dont know what appointments Ive
got. I'm-- [Pickering comes in. Mrs. Higgins puts down
her pen and turns away from the writing-table].
PICKERING [shaking hands] Good-morning, Mrs. Higgins.
Has Henry told you? [He sits down on the ottoman].
HIGGINS
What does that ass of an inspector say? Have
you offered a reward?
MRS. HIGGINS [rising in indignant amazement] You dont
mean to say you have set the police after Eliza?
HIGGINS
Of course. What are the police for? What else
could we do? [He sits in the Elizabethan chair].
PICKERING
The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I
really think he suspected us of some improper purpose.
MRS. HIGGINS
Well, of course he did. What right have
you to go to the police and give the girl's name as if
she were a thief, or a lost umbrella, or something?
Really! [She sits down again, deeply vexed].
HIGGINS
But we want to find her.
PICKERING
We cant let her go like this, you know, Mrs.
Higgins. What were we to do?
MRS. HIGGINS
You have no more sense, either of you,
than two children. Why--
The parlor-maid comes in and breaks off the
conversation.
THE PARLOR-MAID
Mr. Henry: a gentleman wants to see
you very particular. Hes been sent on from Wimpole
Street.
HIGGINS
Oh, bother! I cant see anyone now. Who is it?
THE PARLOR-MAID
A Mr. Doolittle, sir.
PICKERING
Doolittle! Do you mean the dustman?
THE PARLOR-MAID
Dustman! Oh no, sir: a gentleman.
HIGGINS [springing up excitedly] By George, Pick, it's
some relative of hers that shes gone to. Somebody we
know nothing about. [To the parlor-maid] Send him up,
quick.
THE PARLOR-MAID
Yes, sir. [She goes].
HIGGINS [eagerly, going to his mother] Genteel
relatives! now we shall hear something. [He sits down
in the Chippendale chair].
MRS. HIGGINS
Do you know any of her people?
PICKERING
Only her father: the fellow we told you
about.
THE PARLOR-MAID [announcing] Mr. Doolittle. [She
withdraws].
Doolittle enters. He is brilliantly dressed in a new
fashionable frock-coat, with white waistcoat and grey
trousers. A flower in his buttonhole, a dazzling silk
hat, and patent leather shoes complete the effect. He
is too concerned with the business he has come on to
notice Mrs. Higgins. He walks straight to Higgins, and
accosts him with vehement reproach.
DOOLITTLE [indicating his own person] See here! Do you
see this? You done this.
HIGGINS
Done what, man?
DOOLITTLE
This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this
hat. Look at this coat.
PICKERING
Has Eliza been buying you clothes?
DOOLITTLE
Eliza! not she. Not half. Why would she buy
me clothes?
MRSX HIGGINS
Good-morning, Mr. Doolittle. Wont you sit
down?
DOOLITTLE [taken aback as he becomes conscious that he
has forgotten his hostess] Asking your pardon, maam.
[He approaches her and shakes her proffered hand].
Thank you. [He sits down on the ottoman, on Pickering's
right]. I am that full of what has happened to me that
I cant think of anything else.
HIGGINS
What the dickens has happened to you?
DOOLITTLE
I shouldnt mind if it had only happened to
me: anything might happen to anybody and nobody to
blame but Providence, as you might say. But this is
something that you done to me: yes, you, Henry Higgins.
HIGGINS
Have you found Eliza? Thats the point.
DOOLITTLE
Have you lost her?
HIGGINS
Yes.
DOOLITTLE
You have all the luck, you have. I aint
found her; but she'll find me quick enough now after
what you done to me.
MRS. HIGGINS
But what has my son done to you, Mr.
Doolittle?
DOOLITTLE
Done to me! Ruined me. Destroyed my
happiness. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands
of middle class morality.
HIGGINS [rising intolerantly and standing over
Doolittle] Youre raving. Youre drunk. Youre mad. I gave
you five pounds. After that I had two conversations
with you, at half-a-crown an hour. Ive never seen you
since.
DOOLITTLE
Oh! Drunk! am I? Mad! am I? Tell me this.
Did you or did you not write a letter to an old
blighter in America that was giving five millions to
found Moral Reform Societies all over the world, and
that wanted you to invent a universal language for him?
HIGGINS
What! Ezra D. Wannafeller! Hes dead. [He sits
down again carelessly].
DOOLITTLE
Yes: hes dead; and I'm done for. Now did you
or did you not write a letter to him to say that the
most original moralist at present in England, to the
best of your knowledge, was Alfred Doolittle, a common
dustman.
HIGGINS
Oh, after your last visit I remember making
some silly joke of the kind.
DOOLITTLE
Ah! you may well call it a silly joke. It
put the lid on me right enough. Just give him the
chance he wanted to shew that Americans is not like us:
that they recognize and respect merit in every class of
life, however humble. Them words is in his blooming
will, in which, Henry Higgins, thanks to your silly
joking, he leaves me a share in his Pre-digested Cheese
Trust worth three thousand a year on condition that I
lecture for his Wannafeller Moral Reform World League
as often as they ask me up to six times a year.
HIGGINS
The devil he does! Whew! [Brightening
suddenly] What a lark!
PICKERING
A safe thing for you, Doolittle. They wont
ask you twice.
DOOLITTLE
It aint the lecturing I mind. I'll lecture
them blue in the face, I will, and not turn a hair.
It's making a gentleman of me that I object to. Who
asked him to make a gentleman of me? I was happy. I was
free. I touched pretty nigh everybody for money when I
wanted it, same as I touched you, Henry Higgins. Now I
am worrited; tied neck and heels; and everybody touches
me for money. It's a fine thing for you, says my
solicitor. Is it? says I. You mean it's a good thing
for you, I says. When I was a poor man and had a
solicitor once when they found a pram in the dust cart,
he got me off, and got shut of me and got me shut of
him as quick as he could. Same with the doctors: used
to shove me out of the hospital before I could hardly
stand on my legs, and nothing to pay. Now they finds
out that I'm not a healthy man and cant live unless
they looks after me twice a day. In the house I'm not
let do a hand's turn for myself: somebody else must do
it and touch me for it. A year ago I hadnt a relative
in the world except two or three that wouldnt speak to
me. Now Ive fifty, and not a decent week's wages among
the lot of them. I have to live for others and not for
myself: thats middle class morality. You talk of losing
Eliza. Dont you be anxious: I bet shes on my doorstep
by this: she that could support herself easy by selling
flowers if I wasnt respectable. And the next one to
touch me will be you, Henry Higgins. I'll have to learn
to speak middle class language from you, instead of
speaking proper English. Thats where youll come in; and
I daresay thats what you done it for.
MRS. HIGGINS
But, my dear Mr. Doolittle, you need not
suffer all this if you are really in earnest. Nobody
can force you to accept this bequest. You can repudiate
it. Isnt that so, Colonel Pickering?
PICKERING
I believe so.
DOOLITTLE [softening his manner in deference to her
sex] Thats the tragedy of it, maam. It's easy to say
chuck it; but I havent the nerve. Which of us has?
We're all intimidated. Intimidated, maam: thats what we
are. What is there for me if I chuck it but the
workhouse in my old age? I have to dye my hair already
to keep my job as a dustman. If I was one of the
deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I could chuck it;
but then why should I, acause the deserving poor might
as well be millionaires for all the happiness they ever
has. They dont know what happiness is. But I, as one of
the undeserving poor, have nothing between me and the
pauper's uniform but this here blasted three thousand a
year that shoves me into the middle class. (Excuse the
expression, maam: youd use it yourself if you had my
provocation). Theyve got you every way you turn: it's a
choice between the Skilly of the workhouse and the Char
Bydis of the middle class; and I havnt the nerve for
the workhouse. Intimidated: thats what I am. Broke.
Bought up. Happier men than me will call for my dust,
and touch me for their tip; and I'll look on helpless,
and envy them. And thats what your son has brought me
to. [He is overcome by emotion].
MRS. HIGGINS
Well, I'm very glad youre not going to do
anything foolish, Mr. Doolittle. For this solves the
problem of Eliza's future. You can provide for her now.
DOOLITTLE [with melancholy resignation] Yes, maam: I'm
expected to provide for everyone now, out of three
thousand a year.
HIGGINS [jumping up] Nonsense! he cant provide for her.
He shant provide for her. She doesnt belong to him. I
paid him five pounds for her. Doolittle: either youre
an honest man or a rogue.
DOOLITTLE [tolerantly] A little of both, Henry, like
the rest of us: a little of both.
HIGGINS
Well, you took that money for the girl; and
you have no right to take her as well.
MRS. HIGGINS
Henry: dont be absurd. If you really want
to know where Eliza is, she is upstairs.
HIGGINS [amazed] Upstairs!!! Then I shall jolly soon
fetch her downstairs. [He makes resolutely for the
door].
MRS. HIGGINS [rising and following him] Be quiet,
Henry. Sit down.
HIGGINS
I--
MRS. HIGGINS
Sit down, dear; and listen to me.
HIGGINS
Oh very well, very well, very well. [He throws
himself ungraciously on the ottoman, with his face
towards the windows]. But I think you might have told
me this half an hour ago.
MRS. HIGGINS
Eliza came to me this morning. She passed
the night partly walking about in a rage, partly trying
to throw herself into the river and being afraid to,
and partly in the Carlton Hotel. She told me of the
brutal way you two treated her.
HIGGINS [bounding up again] What!
PICKERING [rising also] My dear Mrs. Higgins, shes been
telling you stories. We didnt treat her brutally. We
hardly said a word to her; and we parted on
particularly good terms. [Turning on Higgins]. Higgins
did you bully her after I went to bed?
HIGGINS
Just the other way about. She threw my
slippers in my face. She behaved in the most outrageous
way. I never gave her the slightest provocation. The
slippers came bang into my face the moment I entered
the room--before I had uttered a word. And used
perfectly awful language.
PICKERING [astonished] But why? What did we do to her?
MRS. HIGGINS
I think I know pretty well what you did.
The girl is naturally rather affectionate, I think.
Isnt she, Mr. Doolittle?
DOOLITTLE
Very tender-hearted, maam. Takes after me.
MRS. HIGGINS
Just so. She had become attached to you
both. She worked very hard for you, Henry! I dont think
you quite realize what anything in the nature of brain
work means to a girl like that. Well, it seems that
when the great day of trial came, and she did this
wonderful thing for you without making a single
mistake, you two sat there and never said a word to
her, but talked together of how glad you were that it
was all over and how you had been bored with the whole
thing. And then you were surprised because she threw
your slippers at you! I should have thrown the
fire-irons at you.
HIGGINS
We said nothing except that we were tired and
wanted to go to bed. Did we, Pick?
PICKERING [shrugging his shoulders] That was all.
MRS. HIGGINS [ironically] Quite sure?
PICKERING
Absolutely. Really, that was all.
MRS. HIGGINS
You didn't thank her, or pet her, or
admire her, or tell her how splendid she'd been.
HIGGINS [impatiently] But she knew all about that. We
didnt make speeches to her, if thats what you mean.
PICKERING [conscience stricken] Perhaps we were a
little inconsiderate. Is she very angry?
MRS. HIGGINS [returning to her place at the
writing-table] Well, I'm afraid she wont go back to
Wimpole Street, especially now that Mr. Doolittle is
able to keep up the position you have thrust on her;
but she says she is quite willing to meet you on
friendly terms and to let bygones be bygones.
HIGGINS [furious] Is she, by George? Ho!
MRS. HIGGINS
If you promise to behave yourself, Henry,
I'll ask her to come down. If not, go home; for you
have taken up quite enough of my time.
HIGGINS
Oh, all right. Very well. Pick: you behave
yourself. Let us put on our best Sunday manners for
this creature that we picked out of the mud. [He flings
himself sulkily into the Elizabethan chair].
DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, Henry Higgins! have
some consideration for my feelings as a middle class
man.
MRS. HIGGINS
Remember your promise, Henry. [She
presses the bell-button on the writing-table]. Mr.
Doolittle: will you be so good as to step out on the
balcony for a moment. I dont want Eliza to have the
shock of your news until she has made it up with these
two gentlemen. Would you mind?
DOOLITTLE
As you wish, lady. Anything to help Henry to
keep her off my hands. [He disappears through the
window].
The parlor-maid answers the bell. Pickering sits down
in Doolittle's place.
MRS. HIGGINS
Ask Miss Doolittle to come down, please.
THE PARLOR-MAID
Yes, mam. [She goes out].
MRS. HIGGINS
Now, Henry: be good.
HIGGINS
I am behaving myself perfectly.
PICKERING
He is doing his best, Mrs. Higgins.
A pause. Higgins throws back his head; stretches out
his legs; and begins to whistle.
MRS. HIGGINS
Henry, dearest, you dont look at all nice
in that attitude.
HIGGINS [pulling himself together] I was not trying to
look nice, mother.
MRS. HIGGINS
It doesnt matter, dear. I only wanted to
make you speak.
HIGGINS
Why?
MRS. HIGGINS
Because you cant speak and whistle at the
same time.
Higgins groans. Another very trying pause.
HIGGINS [springing up, out of patience] Where the devil
is that girl? Are we to wait here all day?
Eliza enters, sunny, self-possessed, and giving a
staggeringly convincing exhibition of ease of manner.
She carries a little work-basket, and is very much at
home. Pickering is too much taken aback to rise.
LIZA
How do you do, Professor Higgins? Are you quite
well?
HIGGINS [choking] Am I-- [He can say no more].
LIZA
But of course you are: you are never ill. So glad
to see you again, Colonel Pickering. [He rises hastily;
and they shake hands]. Quite chilly this morning, isnt
it? [She sits down on his left. He sits beside her].
HIGGINS
Dont you dare try this game on me. I taught it
to you; and it doesnt take me in. Get up and come home;
and dont be a fool.
Eliza takes a piece of needlework from her basket, and
begins to stitch at it, without taking the least notice
of this outburst.
MRS. HIGGINS
Very nicely put, indeed, Henry. No woman
could resist such an invitation.
HIGGINS
You let her alone, mother. Let her speak for
herself. You will jolly soon see whether she has an
idea that I havnt put into her head or a word that I
havnt put into her mouth. I tell you I have created
this thing out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent
Garden; and now she pretends to play the fine lady with
me.
MRS. HIGGINS [placidly] Yes, dear; but youll sit down,
wont you?
Higgins sits down again, savagely.
LIZA [to Pickering, taking no apparent notice of
Higgins, and working away deftly] Will you drop me
altogether now that the experiment is over, Colonel
Pickering?
PICKERING
Oh dont. You mustnt think of it as an
experiment. It shocks me, somehow.
LIZA
Oh, I'm only a squashed cabbage leaf--
PICKERING [impulsively] No.
LIZA [continuing quietly]--but I owe so much to you that
I should be very unhappy if you forgot me.
PICKERING
It's very kind of you to say so, Miss
Doolittle.
LIZA
It's not because you paid for my dresses. I know
you are generous to everybody with money. But it was
from you that I learnt really nice manners; and that is
what makes one a lady, isnt it? You see it was so very
difficult for me with the example of Professor Higgins
always before me. I was brought up to be just like him,
unable to control myself, and using bad language on the
slightest provocation. And I should never have known
that ladies and gentlemen didnt behave like that if you
hadnt been there.
HIGGINS
Well!!
PICKERING
Oh, thats only his way, you know. He doesnt
mean it.
LIZA
Oh, I didnt mean it either, when I was a flower
girl. It was only my way. But you see I did it; and
thats what makes the difference after all.
PICKERING
No doubt. Still, he taught you to speak; and
I couldnt have done that, you know.
LIZA [trivially] Of course: that is his profession.
HIGGINS
Damnation!
LIZA [continuing] It was just like learning to dance in
the fashionable way: there was nothing more than that
in it. But do you know what began my real education?
PICKERING
What?
LIZA [stopping her work for a moment] Your calling me
Miss Doolittle that day when I first came to Wimpole
Street. That was the beginning of self-respect for me.
[She resumes her stitching]. And there were a hundred
little things you never noticed, because they came
naturally to you. Things about standing up and taking
off your hat and opening door--
PICKERING
Oh, that was nothing.
LIZA
Yes: things that shewed you thought and felt
about me as if I were something better than a
scullery-maid; though of course I know you would have
been just the same to a scullery-maid if she had been
let in the drawing-room. You never took off your boots
in the dining room when I was there.
PICKERING
You mustnt mind that. Higgins takes off his
boots all over the place.
LIZA
I know. I am not blaming him. It is his way, isnt
it? But it made such a difference to me that you didnt
do it. You see, really and truly, apart from the things
anyone can pick up (the dressing and the proper way of
speaking, and so on), the difference between a lady and
a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how shes
treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor
Higgins, because he always treats me as a flower girl,
and always will; but I know I can be a lady to you,
because you always treat me as a lady, and always will.
MRS. HIGGINS
Please dont grind your teeth, Henry.
PICKERING
Well, this is really very nice of you, Miss
Doolittle.
LIZA
I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you
would.
PICKERING
Thank you. Eliza, of course.
LIZA
And I should like Professor Higgins to call me
Miss Doolittle.
HIGGINS
I'll see you damned first.
MRS. HIGGINS
Henry! Henry!
PICKERING [laughing] Why dont you slang back at him?
Dont stand it. It would do him a lot of good.
LIZA
I cant. I could have done it once; but now I cant
go back to it. Last night, when I was wandering about,
a girl spoke to me; and I tried to get back into the
old way with her; but it was no use. You told me, you
know, that when a child is brought to a foreign
country, it picks up the language in a few weeks, and
forgets its own. Well, I am a child in your country. I
have forgotten my own language, and can speak nothing
but yours. Thats the real break-off with the corner of
Tottenham Court Road. Leaving Wimpole Street finishes
it.
PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but youre coming back to
Wimpole Street, arnt you? Youll forgive Higgins?
HIGGINS [rising] Forgive! Will she, by George! Let her
go. Let her find out how she can get on without us. She
will relapse into the gutter in three weeks without me
at her elbow.
Doolittle appears at the centre window. With a look of
dignified reproach at Higgins, he comes slowly and
silently to his daughter, who, with her back to the
window, is unconscious of his approach.
PICKERING
Hes incorrigible, Eliza. You wont relapse,
will you?
LIZA
No: Not now. Never again. I have learnt my
lesson. I dont believe I could utter one of the old
sounds if I tried. [Doolittle touches her on her left
shoulder. She drops her work, losing her
self-possession utterly at the spectacle of her
father's splendor] A-a-a-a-a-ah-ow-ooh!
HIGGINS [with a crow of triumph] Aha! Just so.
A-a-a-a-ahowooh! A-a-a-a-ahowooh! A-a-a-a-ahowooh!
Victory! Victory! [He throws himself on the divan,
folding his arms, and spraddling arrogantly].
DOOLITTLE
Can you blame the girl? Dont look at me like
that, Eliza. It aint my fault. Ive come into some
money.
LIZA
You must have touched a millionaire this time,
dad.
DOOLITTLE
I have. But I'm dressed something special
today. I'm going to St. George's, Hanover Square. Your
stepmother is going to marry me.
LIZA [angrily] Youre going to let yourself down to
marry that low common woman!
PICKERING [quietly] He ought to, Eliza. [To Doolittle]
Why has she changed her mind?
DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated, Governor. Intimidated.
Middle class morality claims its victim. Wont you put
on your hat, Liza, and come and see me turned off?
LIZA
If the Colonel says I must, I--I'll [almost
sobbing] I'll demean myself. And get insulted for my
pains, like enough.
DOOLITTLE
Dont be afraid: she never comes to words
with anyone now, poor woman! respectability has broke
all the spirit out of her.
PICKERING [squeezing Eliza's elbow gently] Be kind to
them, Eliza. Make the best of it.
LIZA [forcing a little smile for him through her
vexation] Oh well, just to shew theres no ill feeling.
I'll be back in a moment. [She goes out].
DOOLITTLE [sitting down beside Pickering] I feel
uncommon nervous about the ceremony, Colonel. I wish
youd come and see me through it.
PICKERING
But youve been through it before, man. You
were married to Eliza's mother.
DOOLITTLE
Who told you that, Colonel?
PICKERING
Well, nobody told me. But I
concluded--naturally--
DOOLITTLE
No: that aint the natural way, Colonel: it's
only the middle class way. My way was always the
undeserving way. But dont say nothing to Eliza. She
dont know: I always had a delicacy about telling her.
PICKERING
Quite right. We'll leave it so, if you dont
mind.
DOOLITTLE
And youll come to the church, Colonel, and
put me through straight?
PICKERING
With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.
MRS. HIGGINS
May I come, Mr. Doolittle? I should be
very sorry to miss your wedding.
DOOLITTLE
I should indeed be honored by your
condescension, maam; and my poor old woman would take
it as a tremenjous compliment. Shes been very low,
thinking of the happy days that are no more.
MRS. HIGGINS [rising] I'll order the carriage and get
ready. [The men rise, except Higgins]. I shant be more
than fifteen minutes. [As she goes to the door Eliza
comes in, hatted and buttoning her gloves]. I'm going
to the church to see your father married, Eliza. You
had better come in the brougham with me. Colonel
Pickering can go on with the bridegroom.
Mrs. Higgins goes out. Eliza comes to the middle of the
room between the centre window and the ottoman.
Pickering joins her.
DOOLITTLE
Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man
realize his position, somehow. [He takes up his hat and
goes towards the door].
PICKERING
Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come
back to us.
LIZA
I dont think papa would allow me. Would you, dad?
DOOLITTLE [sad but magnanimous] They played you off
very cunning, Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been
only one of them, you could have nailed him. But you
see, there was two; and one of them chaperoned the
other, as you might say. [To Pickering] It was artful
of you, Colonel; but I bear no malice: I should have
done the same myself. I been the victim of one woman
after another all my life; and I dont grudge you two
getting the better of Eliza. I shant interfere. It's
time for us to go, Colonel. So long, Henry. See you in
St. George's, Eliza. [He goes out].
PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [He follows
Doolittle].
Eliza goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with
Higgins. He rises and joins her there. She immediately
comes back into the room and makes for the door; but he
goes along the balcony quickly and gets his back to the
door before she reaches it.
HIGGINS
Well, Eliza, youve had a bit of your own back,
as you call it. Have you had enough? and are you going
to be reasonable? Or do you want any more?
LIZA
You want me back only to pick up your slippers
and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for
you.
HIGGINS
I havnt said I wanted you back at all.
LIZA
Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?
HIGGINS
About you, not about me. If you come back I
shall treat you just as I have always treated you. I
cant change my nature; and I dont intend to change my
manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel
Pickering's.
LIZA
Thats not true. He treats a flower girl as if she
was a duchess.
HIGGINS
And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower
girl.
LIZA
I see. [She turns away composedly, and sits on
the ottoman, facing the window]. The same to everybody.
HIGGINS
Just so.
LIZA
Like father.
HIGGINS [grinning, a little taken down] Without
accepting the comparison at all points, Eliza, it's
quite true that your father is not a snob, and that he
will be quite at home in any station of life to which
his eccentric destiny may call him. [Seriously] The
great secret, Eliza, is not having bad manners or good
manners or any other particular sort of manners, but
having the same manner for all human souls: in short,
behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there are no
third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as
another.
LIZA
Amen. You are a born preacher.
HIGGINS [irritated] The question is not whether I treat
you rudely, but whether you ever heard me treat anyone
else better.
LIZA [with sudden sincerity] I dont care how you treat
me. I dont mind your swearing at me. I dont mind a
black eye: Ive had one before this. But [standing up
and facing him] I wont be passed over.
HIGGINS
Then get out of my way; for I wont stop for
you. You talk about me as if I were a motor bus.
LIZA
So you are a motor bus: all bounce and go, and no
consideration for anyone. But I can do without you:
dont think I cant.
HIGGINS
I know you can. I told you you could.
LIZA [wounded, getting away from him to the other side
of the ottoman with her face to the hearth] I know you
did, you brute. You wanted to get rid of me.
HIGGINS
Liar.
LIZA
Thank you. [She sits down with dignity].
HIGGINS
You never asked yourself, I suppose, whether I
could do without y o u.
LIZA [earnestly] Dont you try to get round me. Youll h
a v e to do without me.
HIGGINS [arrogant] I can do without anybody. I have my
own soul: my own spark of divine fire. But [with sudden
humility] I shall miss you, Eliza. [He sits down near
her on the ottoman]. I have learnt something from your
idiotic notions: I confess that humbly and gratefully.
And I have grown accustomed to your voice and
appearance. I like them, rather.
LIZA
Well, you have both of them on your gramophone
and in your book of photographs. When you feel lonely
without me, you can turn the machine on. It's got no
feelings to hurt.
HIGGINS
I cant turn your soul on. Leave me those
feelings; and you can take away the voice and the face.
They are not you.
LIZA
Oh, you a r e a devil. You can twist the heart in
a girl as easy as some could twist her arms to hurt
her. Mrs. Pearce warned me. Time and again she has
wanted to leave you; and you always got round her at
the last minute. And you dont care a bit for her. And
you dont care a bit for me.
HIGGINS
I care for life, for humanity; and you are a
part of it that has come my way and been built into my
house. What more can you or anyone ask?
LIZA
I wont care for anybody that doesnt care for me.
HIGGINS
Commercial principles, Eliza. Like
[reproducing her Covent Garden pronunciation with
professional exactness] s'yollin voylets [selling
violets], isnt it?
LIZA
Dont sneer at me. It's mean to sneer at me.
HIGGINS
I have never sneered in my life. Sneering
doesnt become either the human face or the human soul.
I am expressing my righteous contempt for
Commercialism. I dont and wont trade in affection. You
call me a brute because you couldnt buy a claim on me
by fetching my slippers and finding my spectacles. You
were a fool: I think a woman fetching a man's slippers
is a disgusting sight: did I ever fetch y o u r
slippers? I think a good deal more of you for throwing
them in my face. No use slaving for me and then saying
you want to be cared for: who cares for a slave? If you
come back, come back for the sake of good fellowship;
for youll get nothing else. Youve had a thousand times
as much out of me as I have out of you; and if you dare
to set up your little dog's tricks of fetching and
carrying slippers against my creation of a Duchess
Eliza, I'll slam the door in your silly face.
LIZA
What did you do it for if you didnt care for me?
HIGGINS [heartily] Why, because it was my job.
LIZA
You never thought of the trouble it would make
for me.
HIGGINS
Would the world ever have been made if its
maker had been afraid of making trouble? Making life
means making trouble. Theres only one way of escaping
trouble; and thats killing things. Cowards, you notice,
are always shrieking to have troublesome people killed.
LIZA
I'm no preacher: I dont notice things like that.
I notice that you dont notice me.
HIGGINS [jumping up and walking about intolerantly]
Eliza: youre an idiot. I waste the treasures of my
Miltonic mind by spreading them before you. Once for
all, understand that I go my way and do my work without
caring twopence what happens to either of us. I am not
intimidated, like your father and your stepmother. So
you can come back or go to the devil: which you please.
LIZA
What am I to come back for?
HIGGINS [bouncing up on his knees on the ottoman and
leaning over it to her] For the fun of it. Thats why I
took you on.
LIZA [with averted face] And you may throw me out
tomorrow if I dont do everything you want me to?
HIGGINS
Yes; and you may walk out tomorrow if I dont
do everything y o u want me to.
LIZA
And live with my stepmother?
HIGGINS
Yes, or sell flowers.
LIZA
Oh! if I only c o u l d go back to my flower
basket! I should be independent of both you and father
and all the world! Why did you take my independence
from me? Why did I give it up? I'm a slave now, for all
my fine clothes.
HIGGINS
Not a bit. I'll adopt you as my daughter and
settle money on you if you like. Or would you rather
marry Pickering?
LIZA [looking fiercely round at him] I wouldnt marry y
o u if you asked me; and youre nearer my age than what
he is.
HIGGINS [gently] Than he is: not "than what he is."
LIZA [losing her temper and rising] I'll talk as I
like. Youre not my teacher now.
HIGGINS [reflectively] I dont suppose Pickering would,
though. Hes as confirmed an old bachelor as I am.
LIZA
Thats not what I want; and dont you think it. Ive
always had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy
Hill writes to me twice and three times a day, sheets
and sheets.
HIGGINS [disagreeably surprised] Damn his impudence!
[He recoils and finds himself sitting on his heels].
LIZA
He has a right to if he likes, poor lad. And he
does love me.
HIGGINS [getting off the ottoman] You have no right to
encourage him.
LIZA
Every girl has a right to be loved.
HIGGINS
What! By fools like that?
LIZA
Freddy's not a fool. And if hes weak and poor and
wants me, may be hed make me happier than my betters
that bully me and dont want me.
HIGGINS
Can he m a k e anything of you? Thats the
point.
LIZA
Perhaps I could make something of him. But I
never thought of us making anything of one another; and
you never think of anything else. I only want to be
natural.
HIGGINS
In short, you want me to be as infatuated
about you as Freddy? Is that it?
LIZA
No I dont. Thats not the sort of feeling I want
from you. And dont you be too sure of yourself or of
me. I could have been a bad girl if I'd liked. Ive seen
more of some things than you, for all your learning.
Girls like me can drag gentlemen down to make love to
them easy enough. And they wish each other dead the
next minute.
HIGGINS
Of course they do. Then what in thunder are we
quarrelling about?
LIZA [much troubled] I want a little kindness. I know
I'm a common ignorant girl, and you a book-learned
gentleman; but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I
done [correcting herself] what I did was not for the
dresses and the taxis: I did it because we were
pleasant together and I come--came--to care for you; not
to want you to make love to me, and not forgetting the
difference between us, but more friendly like.
HIGGINS
Well, of course. Thats just how I feel. And
how Pickering feels. Eliza: youre a fool.
LIZA
Thats not a proper answer to give me [she sinks
on the chair at the writing-table in tears].
HIGGINS
It's all youll get until you stop being a
common idiot. If youre going to be a lady, youll have
to give up feeling neglected if the men you know dont
spend half their time snivelling over you and the other
half giving you black eyes. If you cant stand the
coldness of my sort of life, and the strain of it, go
back to the gutter. Work til you are more a brute than
a human being; and then cuddle and squabble and drink
til you fall asleep. Oh, it's a fine life, the life of
the gutter. It's real: it's warm: it's violent: you can
feel it through the thickest skin: you can taste it and
smell it without any training or any work. Not like
Science and Literature and Classical Music and
Philosophy and Art. You find me cold, unfeeling,
selfish, dont you? Very well: be off with you to the
sort of people you like. Marry some sentimental hog or
other with lots of money, and a thick pair of lips to
kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you
with. If you cant appreciate what youve got, youd
better get what you can appreciate.
LIZA [desperate] Oh, you are a cruel tyrant. I cant
talk to you: you turn everything against me: I'm always
in the wrong. But you know very well all the time that
youre nothing but a bully. You know I cant go back to
the gutter, as you call it, and that I have no real
friends in the world but you and the Colonel. You know
well I couldnt bear to live with a low common man after
you two; and it's wicked and cruel of you to insult me
by pretending I could. You think I must go back to
Wimpole Street because I have nowhere else to go but
father's. But dont you be too sure that you have me
under your feet to be trampled on and talked down. I'll
marry Freddy, I will, as soon as hes able to support
me.
HIGGINS [sitting down beside her] Rubbish! you shall
marry an ambassador. You shall marry the
Governor-General of India or the Lord-Lieutenant of
Ireland, or somebody who wants a deputy-queen. I'm not
going to have my masterpiece thrown away on Freddy.
LIZA
You think I like you to say that. But I havnt
forgot what you said a minute ago; and I wont be coaxed
round as if I was a baby or a puppy. If I cant have
kindness, I'll have independence.
HIGGINS
Independence? Thats middle class blasphemy. We
are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on
earth.
LIZA [rising determinedly] I'll let you see whether I'm
dependent on you. If you can preach, I can teach. I'll
go and be a teacher.
HIGGINS
Whatll you teach, in heaven's name?
LIZA
What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.
HIGGINS
Ha! Ha! Ha!
LIZA
I'll offer myself as an assistant to Professor
Nepean.
HIGGINS [rising in a fury] What! That impostor! that
humbug! that toadying ignoramus! Teach him my methods!
my discoveries! You take one step in his direction and
I'll wring your neck. [He lays hands on her]. Do you
hear?
LIZA [defiantly non-resistant] Wring away. What do I
care? I knew youd strike me some day. [He lets her go,
stamping with rage at having forgotten himself, and
recoils so hastily that he stumbles back into his seat
on the ottoman]. Aha! Now I know how to deal with you.
What a fool I was not to think of it before! You cant
take away the knowledge you gave me. You said I had a
finer ear than you. And I can be civil and kind to
people, which is more than you can. Aha! Thats done
you, Henry Higgins, it has. Now I dont care that
[snapping her fingers] for your bullying and your big
talk. I'll advertize it in the papers that your duchess
is only a flower girl that you taught, and that she'll
teach anybody to be a duchess just the same in six
months for a thousand guineas. Oh, when I think of
myself crawling under your feet and being trampled on
and called names, when all the time I had only to lift
up my finger to be as good as you, I could just kick
myself.
HIGGINS [wondering at her] You damned impudent slut,
you! But it's better than snivelling; better than
fetching slippers and finding spectacles, isnt it?
[Rising] By George, Eliza, I said I'd make a woman of
you; and I have. I like you like this.
LIZA
Yes: you turn round and make up to me now that
I'm not afraid of you, and can do without you.
HIGGINS
Of course I do, you little fool. Five minutes
ago you were like a millstone round my neck. Now youre
a tower of strength: a consort battleship. You and I
and Pickering will be three old bachelors together
instead of only two men and a silly girl.
Mrs. Higgins returns, dressed for the wedding. Eliza
instantly becomes cool and elegant.
MRS. HIGGINS
The carriage is waiting, Eliza. Are you
ready?
LIZA
Quite. Is the Professor coming?
MRS. HIGGINS
Certainly not. He cant behave himself in
church. He makes remarks out loud all the time on the
clergyman's pronunciation.
LIZA
Then I shall not see you again, Professor. Good
bye. [She goes to the door].
MRS. HIGGINS [coming to Higgins] Good-bye, dear.
HIGGINS
Good-bye, mother. [He is about to kiss her,
when he recollects something]. Oh, by the way, Eliza,
order a ham and a Stilton cheese, will you? And buy me
a pair of reindeer gloves, number eights, and a tie to
match that new suit of mine, at Eale & Binman's. You
can choose the color. [His cheerful, careless, vigorous
voice shows that he is incorrigible].
LIZA [disdainfully] Buy them yourself. [She sweeps
out].
MRS. HIGGINS
I'm afraid you've spoiled that girl,
Henry. But never mind, dear: I'll buy you the tie and
gloves.
HIGGINS [sunnily] Oh, dont bother. She'll buy em all
right enough. Good-bye.
They kiss. Mrs. Higgins runs out. Higgins, left alone,
rattles his cash in his pocket; chuckles; and disports
himself in a highly self-satisfied manner.
