Troilus and Cressida

ACT II
Scene 3.

The Grecian camp. Before the tent of ACHILLES

Enter THERSITES, solus

THERSITES
How now, Thersites! What, lost in the labyrinth of thy
fury? Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I
rail at him. O worthy satisfaction! Would it were otherwise: that
I could beat him, whilst he rail'd at me! 'Sfoot, I'll learn to
conjure and raise devils, but I'll see some issue of my spiteful
execrations. Then there's Achilles, a rare engineer! If Troy be
not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till
they fall of themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus,
forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose
all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that
little little less-than-little wit from them that they have!
which short-arm'd ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce,
it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider without
drawing their massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the
vengeance on the whole camp! or, rather, the Neapolitan
bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the curse depending on those
that war for a placket. I have said my prayers; and devil Envy
say 'Amen.' What ho! my Lord Achilles!

Enter PATROCLUS

PATROCLUS
Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and
rail.

THERSITES
If I could 'a rememb'red a gilt counterfeit, thou
wouldst not have slipp'd out of my contemplation; but it is no
matter; thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly
and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! Heaven bless thee from
a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy
direction till thy death. Then if she that lays thee out says
thou art a fair corse, I'll be sworn and sworn upon't she never
shrouded any but lazars. Amen. Where's Achilles?

PATROCLUS
What, art thou devout? Wast thou in prayer?

THERSITES
Ay, the heavens hear me!

PATROCLUS
Amen.

Enter ACHILLES

ACHILLES
Who's there?

PATROCLUS
Thersites, my lord.

ACHILLES
Where, where? O, where? Art thou come? Why, my cheese, my
digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so
many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?

THERSITES
Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what's
Achilles?

PATROCLUS
Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray thee, what's
Thersites?

THERSITES
Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me, Patroclus, what art
thou?

PATROCLUS
Thou must tell that knowest.

ACHILLES
O, tell, tell,

THERSITES
I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands
Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus' knower; and
Patroclus is a fool.

PATROCLUS
You rascal!

THERSITES
Peace, fool! I have not done.

ACHILLES
He is a privileg'd man. Proceed, Thersites.

THERSITES
Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a
fool; and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.

ACHILLES
Derive this; come.

THERSITES
Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles;
Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a
fool to serve such a fool; and this Patroclus is a fool positive.

PATROCLUS
Why am I a fool?

THERSITES
Make that demand of the Creator. It suffices me thou
art. Look you, who comes here?

ACHILLES
Come, Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Come in with me,
Thersites.

Exit

THERSITES
Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery.
All the argument is a whore and a cuckold-a good quarrel to draw
emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on
the subject, and war and lechery confound all!

Exit

Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, AJAX, and CALCHAS

AGAMEMNON
Where is Achilles?

PATROCLUS
Within his tent; but ill-dispos'd, my lord.

AGAMEMNON
Let it be known to him that we are here.
He shent our messengers; and we lay by
Our appertainings, visiting of him.
Let him be told so; lest, perchance, he think
We dare not move the question of our place
Or know not what we are.

PATROCLUS
I shall say so to him.

Exit

ULYSSES
We saw him at the opening of his tent.
He is not sick.

AJAX
Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it
melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, 'tis
pride. But why, why? Let him show us a cause. A word, my lord.

[Takes AGAMEMNON aside]

NESTOR
What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?

ULYSSES
Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.
NESTOR.Who, Thersites?

ULYSSES
He.

NESTOR
Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument

ULYSSES
No; you see he is his argument that has his argument-
Achilles.

NESTOR
All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their
faction. But it was a strong composure a fool could disunite!

ULYSSES
The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.

Re-enter PATROCLUS

Here comes Patroclus.

NESTOR
No Achilles with him.

ULYSSES
The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy; his legs
are legs for necessity, not for flexure.

PATROCLUS
Achilles bids me say he is much sorry
If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
Did move your greatness and this noble state
To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
But for your health and your digestion sake,
An after-dinner's breath.

AGAMEMNON
Hear you, Patroclus.
We are too well acquainted with these answers;
But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn,
Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
Why we ascribe it to him. Yet all his virtues,
Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss;
Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him
We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin
If you do say we think him over-proud
And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
Than in the note of judgment; and worthier than himself
Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
Disguise the holy strength of their command,
And underwrite in an observing kind
His humorous predominance; yea, watch
His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
The passage and whole carriage of this action
Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and ad
That if he overhold his price so much
We'll none of him, but let him, like an engine
Not portable, lie under this report:
Bring action hither; this cannot go to war.
A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.

PATROCLUS
I shall, and bring his answer presently.

Exit

AGAMEMNON
In second voice we'll not be satisfied;
We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.

Exit ULYSSES

AJAX
What is he more than another?

AGAMEMNON
No more than what he thinks he is.

AJAX
Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better
man than I am?

AGAMEMNON
No question.

AJAX
Will you subscribe his thought and say he is?

AGAMEMNON
No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise,
no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable.

AJAX
Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not
what pride is.

AGAMEMNON
Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the
fairer. He that is proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass,
his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself
but in the deed devours the deed in the praise.

Re-enter ULYSSES

AJAX
I do hate a proud man as I do hate the engend'ring of toads.

NESTOR
[Aside] And yet he loves himself: is't not strange?

ULYSSES
Achilles will not to the field to-morrow.

AGAMEMNON
What's his excuse?

ULYSSES
He doth rely on none;
But carries on the stream of his dispose,
Without observance or respect of any,
In will peculiar and in self-admission.

AGAMEMNON
Why will he not, upon our fair request,
Untent his person and share the air with us?

ULYSSES
Things small as nothing, for request's sake only,
He makes important; possess'd he is with greatness,
And speaks not to himself but with a pride
That quarrels at self-breath. Imagin'd worth
Holds in his blood such swol'n and hot discourse
That 'twixt his mental and his active parts
Kingdom'd Achilles in commotion rages,
And batters down himself. What should I say?
He is so plaguy proud that the death tokens of it
Cry 'No recovery.'

AGAMEMNON
Let Ajax go to him.
Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent.
'Tis said he holds you well; and will be led
At your request a little from himself.

ULYSSES
O Agamemnon, let it not be so!
We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes
When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord
That bastes his arrogance with his own seam
And never suffers matter of the world
Enter his thoughts, save such as doth revolve
And ruminate himself-shall he be worshipp'd
Of that we hold an idol more than he?
No, this thrice-worthy and right valiant lord
Shall not so stale his palm, nobly acquir'd,
Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit,
As amply titled as Achilles is,
By going to Achilles.
That were to enlard his fat-already pride,
And add more coals to Cancer when he burns
With entertaining great Hyperion.
This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,
And say in thunder 'Achilles go to him.'

NESTOR
[Aside] O, this is well! He rubs the vein of him.

DIOMEDES
[Aside] And how his silence drinks up this applause!

AJAX
If I go to him, with my armed fist I'll pash him o'er the
face.

AGAMEMNON
O, no, you shall not go.

AJAX
An 'a be proud with me I'll pheeze his pride.
Let me go to him.

ULYSSES
Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel.

AJAX
A paltry, insolent fellow!

NESTOR
[Aside] How he describes himself!

AJAX
Can he not be sociable?

ULYSSES
[Aside] The raven chides blackness.

AJAX
I'll let his humours blood.

AGAMEMNON
[Aside] He will be the physician that should be the
patient.

AJAX
An all men were a my mind-

ULYSSES
[Aside] Wit would be out of fashion.

AJAX
'A should not bear it so, 'a should eat's words first.
Shall pride carry it?

NESTOR
[Aside] An 'twould, you'd carry half.

ULYSSES
[Aside] 'A would have ten shares.

AJAX
I will knead him, I'll make him supple.

NESTOR
[Aside] He's not yet through warm. Force him with praises;
pour in, pour in; his ambition is dry.

ULYSSES
[To AGAMEMNON] My lord, you feed too much on this dislike.

NESTOR
Our noble general, do not do so.

DIOMEDES
You must prepare to fight without Achilles.

ULYSSES
Why 'tis this naming of him does him harm.
Here is a man-but 'tis before his face;
I will be silent.

NESTOR
Wherefore should you so?
He is not emulous, as Achilles is.

ULYSSES
Know the whole world, he is as valiant.

AJAX
A whoreson dog, that shall palter with us thus!
Would he were a Troyan!

NESTOR
What a vice were it in Ajax now-

ULYSSES
If he were proud.

DIOMEDES
Or covetous of praise.

ULYSSES
Ay, or surly borne.

DIOMEDES
Or strange, or self-affected.

ULYSSES
Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet composure
Praise him that gat thee, she that gave thee suck;
Fam'd be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature
Thrice-fam'd beyond, beyond all erudition;
But he that disciplin'd thine arms to fight-
Let Mars divide eternity in twain
And give him half; and, for thy vigour,
Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield
To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom,
Which, like a bourn, a pale, a shore, confines
Thy spacious and dilated parts. Here's Nestor,
Instructed by the antiquary times-
He must, he is, he cannot but be wise;
But pardon, father Nestor, were your days
As green as Ajax' and your brain so temper'd,
You should not have the eminence of him,
But be as Ajax.

AJAX
Shall I call you father?

NESTOR
Ay, my good son.

DIOMEDES
Be rul'd by him, Lord Ajax.

ULYSSES
There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles
Keeps thicket. Please it our great general
To call together all his state of war;
Fresh kings are come to Troy. To-morrow
We must with all our main of power stand fast;
And here's a lord-come knights from east to west
And cull their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.

AGAMEMNON
Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep.
Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.

Exeunt