Twelfth Night

ACT I
Scene III. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.]

SIR TOBY
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her
brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

MARIA
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights;
your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.

SIR TOBY
Why, let her except, before excepted.

MARIA
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits
of order.

SIR TOBY
Confine? I'll confine myself no finer than I am: these
clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too;
an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.

MARIA
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady
talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in
one night here to be her wooer.

SIR TOBY
Who? Sir Andrew Ague-cheek?

MARIA
Ay, he.

SIR TOBY
He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

MARIA
What's that to the purpose?

SIR TOBY
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

MARIA
Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats; he's a
very fool, and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY
Fye that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gambo,
and speaks three or four languages word for word without book,
and hath all the good gifts of nature.

MARIA
He hath indeed,--almost natural: for, besides that he's a
fool, he's a great quarreller; and, but that he hath the gift of
a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought
among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that
say so of him. Who are they?

MARIA
They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY
With drinking healths to my niece; I'll drink to her as
long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria.
He's a coward and a coystril that will not drink to my niece
till his brains turn o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
Castiliano-vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Ague-face.

[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]

AGUE-CHEEK
Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

SIR TOBY
Sweet Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.

MARIA
And you too, sir.

SIR TOBY
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

SIR ANDREW
What's that?

SIR TOBY
My niece's chamber-maid.

SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

SIR TOBY
You mistake, knight: accost is, front her, board her,
woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company.
Is that the meaning of accost?

MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen.

SIR TOBY
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never
draw sword again.

SIR ANDREW
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw
sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?

MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW
Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA
Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to
the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW
Wherefore, sweetheart? what's your metaphor?

MARIA
It's dry, sir.

SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my
hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA
A dry jest, sir.

SIR ANDREW
Are you full of them?

MARIA
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let
go your hand I am barren.

[Exit MARIA.]

SIR TOBY
O knight, thou lack'st a cup of canary: When did I see
thee so put down?

SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put
me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian
or an ordinary man has; but I am great eater of beef, and, I
believe, that does harm to my wit.

SIR TOBY
No question.

SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home
to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY
Pourquoy, my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW
What is pourquoy? do or not do? I would I had bestowed
that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and
bear-baiting. Oh, had I but followed the arts!

SIR TOBY
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?

SIR TOBY
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

SIR TOBY
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to
see a houswife take thee between her legs and spin it off.

SIR ANDREW
Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby; your niece will
not be seen; or, if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me;
the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY
She'll none o' the Count; she'll not match above her
degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her
swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man.

SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest
mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes
altogether.

SIR TOBY
Art thou good at these kick-shaws, knight?

SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.

SIR TOBY
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can cut a caper.

SIR TOBY
And I can cut the mutton to't.

SIR ANDREW
And, I think, I have the back-trick simply as strong as
any man in Illyria.

SIR TOBY
Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these
gifts a curtain before them? are they like to take dust, like
Mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a
galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a
jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by
the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the
star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in
flame-colour'd stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY
What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

SIR ANDREW
Taurus? that's sides and heart.

SIR TOBY
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper: ha,
higher: ha, ha!--excellent!

[Exeunt.]