Twelfth Night

ACT IV
Scene II. A Room in OLIVIA'S House.

[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]

MARIA
Nay, I pr'ythee, put on this gown and this beard; make him
believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it quickly: I'll call
Sir Toby the whilst.

[Exit MARIA.]

CLOWN
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and
I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I
am not tall enough to become the function well: nor lean enough
to be thought a good student: but to be said, an honest man and a
good housekeeper, goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a
great scholar. The competitors enter.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.]

SIR TOBY
Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

CLOWN
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that
never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
Gorboduc, 'That that is, is'; so I, being master parson, am
master parson: for what is that but that? and is but is?

SIR TOBY
To him, Sir Topas.

CLOWN
What, hoa, I say,--Peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO
[In an inner chamber.] Who calls there?

CLOWN
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the
lunatic.

MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

CLOWN
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? talkest thou
nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY
Well said, master parson.

MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do
not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous darkness.

CLOWN
Fie, thou dishonest Sathan! I call thee by the most modest
terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil
himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas.

CLOWN
Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
clear storeys toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony;
and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.

CLOWN
Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but
ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in
their fog.

MALVOLIO
I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man
thus abused. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it
in any constant question.

CLOWN
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?

MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

CLOWN
What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

CLOWN
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt
hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits; and
fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy
grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY
My most exquisite Sir Topas!

CLOWN
Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he
sees thee not.

SIR TOBY
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou
findest him; I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may
be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far
in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety
this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]

CLOWN
[Singing.] 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO
Fool,--

CLOWN
'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

MALVOLIO
Fool,--

CLOWN
'Alas, why is she so?'

MALVOLIO
Fool, I say;--

CLOWN
'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand,
help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a
gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.

CLOWN
Master Malvolio!

MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool.

CLOWN
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused; I am as well in
my wits, fool, as thou art.

CLOWN
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in
your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send
ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my
wits.

CLOWN
Advise you what you say: the minister is here.--Malvolio, thy
wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave
thy vain bibble-babble.

MALVOLIO
Sir Topas,--

CLOWN
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not
I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir Topas.--Marry, amen.--I will
sir, I will.

MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say,--

CLOWN
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for
speaking to you.

MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper;
I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

CLOWN
Well-a-day,--that you were, sir!

MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am: Good fool, some ink, paper, and
light, and convey what I will set down to my lady; it shall
advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

CLOWN
I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad
indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

CLOWN
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains.
I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I pr'ythee be
gone.

CLOWN
[Singing.]

      'I am gone, sir,
      And anon, sir,
    I'll be with you again,
      In a trice,
      Like to the old vice,
    Your need to sustain;

    Who with dagger of lath,
    In his rage and his wrath,
      Cries ah, ha! to the devil:
    Like a mad lad,
    Pare thy nails, dad.
      Adieu, goodman drivel.

[Exit.]