ACT I
Scene IX.
 

PETULANT, MIRABELL, FAINALL, WITWOUD, BETTY.

BETTY
Sir, the coach stays.

PET
Well, well, I come. 'Sbud, a man had as good be a professed midwife as a professed whoremaster, at this rate; to be knocked up and raised at all hours, and in all places. Pox on 'em, I won't come. D'ye hear, tell 'em I won't come. Let 'em snivel and cry their hearts out.

FAINALL
You are very cruel, Petulant.

PETULANT
All's one, let it pass. I have a humour to be cruel.

MIRABELL
I hope they are not persons of condition that you use at this rate.

PETULANT
Condition? Condition's a dried fig, if I am not in humour. By this hand, if they were your--a--a--your what-d'ee-call-'ems themselves, they must wait or rub off, if I want appetite.

MIRABELL
What-d'ee-call-'ems! What are they, Witwoud?

WITWOUD
Empresses, my dear. By your what-d'ee-call-'ems he means Sultana Queens.

PETULANT
Ay, Roxolanas.

MIRABELL
Cry you mercy.

FAINALL
Witwoud says they are -

PETULANT
What does he say th'are?

WITWOUD
I? Fine ladies, I say.

PETULANT
Pass on, Witwoud. Harkee, by this light, his relations--two co-heiresses his cousins, and an old aunt, who loves cater-wauling better than a conventicle.

WITWOUD
Ha, ha, ha! I had a mind to see how the rogue would come off. Ha, ha, ha! Gad, I can't be angry with him, if he had said they were my mother and my sisters.

MIRABELL
No?

WITWOUD
No; the rogue's wit and readiness of invention charm me, dear Petulant.

BETTY
They are gone, sir, in great anger.

PETULANT
Enough, let 'em trundle. Anger helps complexion, saves paint.

FAINALL
This continence is all dissembled; this is in order to have something to brag of the next time he makes court to Millamant, and swear he has abandoned the whole sex for her sake.

MIRABELL
Have you not left off your impudent pretensions there yet? I shall cut your throat, sometime or other, Petulant, about that business.

PETULANT
Ay, ay, let that pass. There are other throats to be cut.

MIRABELL
Meaning mine, sir?

PETULANT
Not I--I mean nobody--I know nothing. But there are uncles and nephews in the world--and they may be rivals. What then? All's one for that.

MIRABELL
How? Harkee, Petulant, come hither. Explain, or I shall call your interpreter.

PETULANT
Explain? I know nothing. Why, you have an uncle, have you not, lately come to town, and lodges by my Lady Wishfort's?

MIRABELL
True.

PETULANT
Why, that's enough. You and he are not friends; and if he should marry and have a child, yon may be disinherited, ha!

MIRABELL
Where hast thou stumbled upon all this truth?

PETULANT
All's one for that; why, then, say I know something.

MIRABELL
Come, thou art an honest fellow, Petulant, and shalt make love to my mistress, thou shalt, faith. What hast thou heard of my uncle?

PETULANT
I? Nothing, I If throats are to be cut, let swords clash. Snug's the word; I shrug and am silent.

MIRABELL
Oh, raillery, raillery! Come, I know thou art in the women's secrets. What, you're a cabalist; I know you stayed at Millamant's last night after I went. Was there any mention made of my uncle or me? Tell me; if thou hadst but good nature equal to thy wit, Petulant, Tony Witwoud, who is now thy competitor in fame, would show as dim by thee as a dead whiting's eye by a pearl of orient; he would no more be seen by thee than Mercury is by the sun: come, I'm sure thou wo't tell me.

PETULANT
If I do, will you grant me common sense, then, for the future?

MIRABELL
Faith, I'll do what I can for thee, and I'll pray that heav'n may grant it thee in the meantime.

PETULANT
Well, harkee.

FAINALL
Petulant and you both will find Mirabell as warm a rival as a lover.

WITWOUD
Pshaw, pshaw, that she laughs at Petulant is plain. And for my part, but that it is almost a fashion to admire her, I should-- harkee--to tell you a secret, but let it go no further between friends, I shall never break my heart for her.

FAINALL
How?

WITWOUD
She's handsome; but she's a sort of an uncertain woman.

FAINALL
I thought you had died for her.

WITWOUD
Umh--no -

FAINALL
She has wit.

WITWOUD
'Tis what she will hardly allow anybody else. Now, demme, I should hate that, if she were as handsome as Cleopatra. Mirabell is not so sure of her as he thinks for.

FAINALL
Why do you think so?

WITWOUD
We stayed pretty late there last night, and heard something of an uncle to Mirabell, who is lately come to town, and is between him and the best part of his estate. Mirabell and he are at some distance, as my Lady Wishfort has been told; and you know she hates Mirabell worse than a quaker hates a parrot, or than a fishmonger hates a hard frost. Whether this uncle has seen Mrs. Millamant or not, I cannot say; but there were items of such a treaty being in embryo; and if it should come to life, poor Mirabell would be in some sort unfortunately fobbed, i'faith.

FAINALL
'Tis impossible Millamant should hearken to it.

WITWOUD
Faith, my dear, I can't tell; she's a woman and a kind of a humorist.

MIRABELL
And this is the sum of what you could collect last night?

PETULANT
The quintessence. Maybe Witwoud knows more; he stayed longer. Besides, they never mind him; they say anything before him.

MIRABELL
I thought you had been the greatest favourite.

PETULANT
Ay, tete-e-tete; but not in public, because I make remarks.

MIRABELL
You do?

PETULANT
Ay, ay, pox, I'm malicious, man. Now he's soft, you know, they are not in awe of him. The fellow's well bred, he's what you call a--what d'ye-call-'em--a fine gentleman, but he's silly withal.

MIRABELL
I thank you, I know as much as my curiosity requires. Fainall, are you for the Mall?

FAINALL
Ay, I'll take a turn before dinner.

WITWOUD
Ay, we'll all walk in the park; the ladies talked of being there.

MIRABELL
I thought you were obliged to watch for your brother Sir Wilfull's arrival.

WITWOUD
No, no, he comes to his aunt's, my Lady Wishfort; pox on him, I shall be troubled with him too; what shall I do with the fool?

PETULANT
Beg him for his estate, that I may beg you afterwards, and so have but one trouble with you both.

WITWOUD
O rare Petulant, thou art as quick as fire in a frosty morning; thou shalt to the Mall with us, and we'll be very severe.

PETULANT
Enough; I'm in a humour to be severe.

MIRABELL
Are you? Pray then walk by yourselves. Let not us be accessory to your putting the ladies out of countenance with your senseless ribaldry, which you roar out aloud as often as they pass by you, and when you have made a handsome woman blush, then you think you have been severe.

PETULANT
What, what? Then let 'em either show their innocence by not understanding what they hear, or else show their discretion by not hearing what they would not be thought to understand.

MIRABELL
But hast not thou then sense enough to know that thou ought'st to be most ashamed thyself when thou hast put another out of countenance?

PETULANT
Not I, by this hand: I always take blushing either for a sign of guilt or ill-breeding.

MIRABELL
I confess you ought to think so. You are in the right, that you may plead the error of your judgment in defence of your practice.

Where modesty's ill manners, 'tis but fit That impudence and malice pass for wit.